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Why won't Onstar support my perfectly good cell phone?...

Actually...As of February 18, 2008, carriers in the United States were no longer required to support AMPS and companies such as AT&T and Verizon have discontinued this service permanently.Your cell phone works fine with onstar. You just need to program Onstar's 800 number into one of the 1-touch keys and you're good. The more interesting issue is getting that analog phone to work with any carrier, as I think they all went digital in the late 90s.